To start, telemarketers. Has anyone ever had the feeling that there is no end to these people? If memory serves me right, I was supposed to be on that "do not call list" that was so big a few years back. The fact that I'm still getting phone calls confuses me, and since putting yourself on the "do not call list" isn't changing things, I'll resort to other means of ending these meaningless and rather annoying phone calls from telemarketers. To start, I'll go with tricks that allow for easy ways to end these phone conversations, or if you would rather take the long route, I have ideas that can help make it excruciatingly painful to sit through a phone conversation with you.
Let's start with the quick and easy.
The Accident
Step 1: Answer the first few questions as quickly as possible
Step 2: Randomly hang up
The Disaster
Step 1: To perform The Disaster, here's what you need : calmness in your voice
Step 2: Answer positively to whoever is on the other side of the phone for the first few tolerable questions
Step 3: When you've had enough, quickly shout either of the following phrases in a huge panic before quickly hanging up
- OH NO! MY DOG HAS RAN OUTSIDE!
- OH NO! MY STOVE/OVEN IS ON FIRE!
- OH NO! MY [someone close enough to you that requires your attention] JUST FELL [optional : in the shower]!
- OH NO! MY WIFE'S GONE INTO LABOUR!
Step 1: Answer the phone casually as if you don't care what happens.
Step 2: When asked how you're doing today, tell them that you've got diarrhea and haven't had a proper bowel movement in the last week, and that you'd really like to be on the toilet seat right now rather than go through the conversation of what they're trying to sell.
/**The hang up should happen now for quick and easy, but if you wanna make the phone conversation really long, move on to Step 3*/
Step 3: If they haven't let you go yet, wait for a short while, and suddenly sniff and say : I smell something
Step 4: If they ask you what's going on, just tell them you think you're finally passing gas.
Step 5: Suddenly shout : "OMG I'VE SOILED MY PANTS!" and hang up.
The Know-it-all
Step 1: Calmly go through the usual procedures
Step 2: When they get to the part where they inform you that the phone call is recorded, ask them : "Are you also picking up your background? It's awful noisy on your end."
Step 3: They'll try to fix their phone, so you tell them : "Is that your supervisor back there? Tell them I said hi, and to be nicer to you."
Step 4: If they seemed stunned for even a split second, hang up.
The Foreigner
Step 1: Practice saying "What?" and "I don't understand!" in English with an accent and with as many grammatical errors as you can think of.
Step 2: As they talk to you, use ONE particular accent and keep repeating the above phrases
The Colonial
This works best if someone is calling about technical support you didn't ask for, or if the operator on the line doesn't answer (it's a habit of theirs these days, to not answer for the first half a minute)
Step 1: Appear to negotiate whatever it is that they're trying to sell
Step 2: Partway through, talk in a really croaky voice and tell them: "I'm not interested in what you're trying to sell, Cylon (pronounced "sigh-lawn") and you'd best hang up before I send my Vipers out to blast a hole in that ship you call a base star"
Of course..be creative with this, because it is a Battlestar Galactica reference.
Case in point : I once had a guy call me telling he was calling from "windows" regarding an issue with my computer. My reply was : "My home computer runs Linux, how'd you get this number". That stunned him, and that's when I launched into The Colonial. True story.
I think you understand the gist of the short ones, so let's move on with the tough and excruciating ones.
The Depressed One
Everyone has bad days, and faking one as if you're drunk off your rocker is a nice touch to totally mess with the telemarketer.
Step 1: Prepare a list of things that makes a day horrible. Have you got one? Good!
Step 2: When they ask how you're doing, tell them that you had a bad day.
Step 3: You can wait for them to ask if everything's alright, or you can go straight into asking : "did you want to hear about it?"
Step 4: Don't wait for them to answer and go through the list of bad things that can happen to you.
Step 5: Add a sob here or there and add a catch to your throat if you want. The key is to keep talking and not let them get a word in.
Step 6: Open a soda pop can if you want, and pretend to drink it every now and then while ranting.
Step 7: End with an attempt at popping pills to commit suicide or a determined : "I'm gonna go get that person for what they did to me" and quickly hang up.
The Babbler
Step 1: Wait until they need your input. They can be asking for information, or whether or not you're interested
Step 2: Tell them that you're 100% uncomfortable with what they're doing. Do not attack their job, but continually attack the fact that their job is invading your personal space, that you don't feel comfortable, and that you want them to leave you alone.
Step 3: At this point, you can move on to The Depressed One or you can continue to berate them with feigned intellectuality by using larger words or more complex sentences that essentially says how much you don't agree with talking about your personal life over the phone. Include the fact that they could have just sent an SQL query to register you into something you don't want to be a part of.
Step 4: Quickly tell them you're not interested, you're uncomfortable and if you're really scared, threaten to call the cops and hang up.
Now all of these tips and tricks are meant to make a fun task out of the menially telling the telemarketer to bugger off and leave you alone. I know of people who just hang up. Another good idea is to just always pretend to never be at home, that you're the housemaid or something. I do not condone attacking telemarketers, as done in 40-Year-Old Virgin (spoiler alert), where Catherine Keener told Steve Carrell (who was faking as a telemarketer) that he should get a real job and moves on by saying a lot of unfriendly things to him. I think that they're just doing their job, and we should respect them, and only disrespect their employers by wasting their time.
For all I know, you can reverse The Babbler and only ask the telemarketer how they're doing, what they thought of the weather, etc..etc, as if you guys are at a cigar bar talking about the day.
With that, I'm going to sign off. Have a great new year, and have fun;).
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