The biggest news around the world recently relates to SOPA and PIPA.
SOPA, or the Stop Online Piracy Act, and PIPA, or the PROTECT IP Act (which apparently means Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act), is essentially America's government trying to find new ways to wage war.
Before I go on about America trying to find a new enemy, I just want to point out two things. First off, how much money was spent in hiring the people responsible for making these names sound like they have meaning? It seems like that whole PROTECT thing was a bit of an unnecessary acronym. An acronym within another acronym? That's like using the English language with recursion, i.e..defining a word while using the word inside the definition. Second of all, why does America want to stick its nose into something that is almost impossible to curb now that it has boomed? The Internet boom was so big 10 years ago, that it's virtually unstoppable now. This sounds like an uphill battle, and for at least the third time in America's history, this war is going to end in disaster.
With the troops dragging themselves outside of Iraq, and the impending war on Iran not exactly finalized yet, America has a huge load of money to spend. It just really pains me, because I think I don't see what impending problems America has that would need money. Maybe that's why they're justified into making a decision that would cost $47 million through 2016. One of the things that have been worrying people recently is the shortage of food. The shortage of food is actually attributed to a few things, some of them relevant to the shortage of water and even erosion of topsoil. Of course, in today's society, no one wants to eat any food, so fixing the shortage of water and erosion of topsoil is obviously nothing to be of concern. Again, if anything I just said made sense at all, then of course I'm totally bullshitting the reader. America has a lot of things on its agenda that can make use of $47 million. Might I suggest medical research? Better subsidized sports programs to cut down on obesity and perhaps cut back on the number of heart attacks or cholesterol pill abusers? In fact, why not just a better education program that can educate the next generation?
You see, a computer science student has been taught many many things with regards to security and data communications. If America really intends to go through with PIPA and SOPA, a few things needs to be done. First off, they would need to train personnel to be able to sift through network content, and like the TSA, find ways to track down "illegal activity". They will invade your privacy and find a wonderful way to put you in jail for it. Secondly, after sniffing through all the network content, they have to be able to do something to aggressors. Of course, what world would it be if the hero doesn't get to put the baddie into jail and give them a nice beating for it in the process? That is America, the world where everyone is a baddie but America and its allies.
America, land of the free, and oppressor of the dictator and communists, is now putting a stop on your freedom to go online to do whatever you want. It's funny, because the America is against North Korea for being a dictator and controlling of its people, going so far as to deem the crying crowd at the funeral of Kim Jong-Il to be fake, and yet they are now putting barriers on its own people. The enemy of the state is now officially, the state itself. Let's go further into law with this, The First Amendment. America came up with a list of Amendments, also known as the Bill of Rights. For some reason, violating these is absolutely okay, because the government is doing it. Censorship is now allowed, because America deems that it's okay. America has been condemning censorship since day one. They've spoken out against the Russians, the Cubans, the North Koreans, the Vietnamese, and even their latest and most favourite business partner, the Chinese. Does this mean that the war against everything America believes for has changed? Or does it mean America has finally admitted that they ran out of things to fight for, so they'll fight themselves if needed?
Let's go and talk about costs. Let's sit down and think how far this will go. The $47 million that was to go to these two acts, if passed on January 24th will definitely not be $47 million. Like I said, that money could have been wisely spent in other fields. Then there's the issue about maintenance. Maintenance fees will be on TOP of the $47 million, unless of course, America forgets that it is necessary, in a manner similar to most of their aging technology, then yes, it isn't a huge fee. Then there comes the cost for the legal aspect. Of course, no one ever puts these charges into play until the cases actually go through. The average tax payer, having been shut down from the Internet only wants to reason with the governing body to give him his life back, now has to go to court, and lose a lot of money to the lawyers so that he could be granted freedom he truly deserved. Another ploy against the tax payer.
In fact, there's another very funny bit to this, because they want to stop drug dealers online. People who sell over the counter drugs online, are a target here as well. However, it's a situation similar to the disturbing images on cigarette cartons. Why are we doing this? Shouldn't we have educated the children to know better? Does anyone even pay attention to the pictures or will they even pay attention to what happens when they stop these sales? Like the situation in Pakistan, where text messages have a list of banned words, people will find a way around the problem. This opens up new markets of employment where people will now be a certified illegal online drug dealer. Absolutely new, absolutely 100% more dangerous.
So, since America is doing this in the interest of America, where is it? What is it that they aim to achieve? Has America been at war with other people so much that slapping itself in the face once in a while feels right? Now that America is making a move, when will Canada, America's understudy, decide that they need to do the same? Canada has been in the footsteps of America since the beginning. The whole country has basically mapped itself after the country that prides itself in most heart attacks a year, by being within the top 10. We're very close behind America when it comes to rampant morbid obesity, and just about as far behind if not worse when it comes to technology. Canada claims to be a developed country, but we're every bit as far behind as most countries when it comes to technology, efficiency, and literacy. So, why not keep on with status quo and just do what the Americans do, it's what our government does best anyway.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Post 01B
2012 is supposedly the end of the world for most people. The Mayans had predicted this end many many years ago, and people live in fear of what is to come. Let's get one thing straight : if the world will end, what can you do? Stop the world from moving? Maybe travel back in time and change the Mayan prophecy? Seeing that I really can't be bothered with the fact that the world will end, let's just continue shall we?
To start, telemarketers. Has anyone ever had the feeling that there is no end to these people? If memory serves me right, I was supposed to be on that "do not call list" that was so big a few years back. The fact that I'm still getting phone calls confuses me, and since putting yourself on the "do not call list" isn't changing things, I'll resort to other means of ending these meaningless and rather annoying phone calls from telemarketers. To start, I'll go with tricks that allow for easy ways to end these phone conversations, or if you would rather take the long route, I have ideas that can help make it excruciatingly painful to sit through a phone conversation with you.
Let's start with the quick and easy.
The Accident
Step 1: Answer the first few questions as quickly as possible
Step 2: Randomly hang up
The Disaster
Step 1: To perform The Disaster, here's what you need : calmness in your voice
Step 2: Answer positively to whoever is on the other side of the phone for the first few tolerable questions
Step 3: When you've had enough, quickly shout either of the following phrases in a huge panic before quickly hanging up
Step 1: Answer the phone casually as if you don't care what happens.
Step 2: When asked how you're doing today, tell them that you've got diarrhea and haven't had a proper bowel movement in the last week, and that you'd really like to be on the toilet seat right now rather than go through the conversation of what they're trying to sell.
/**The hang up should happen now for quick and easy, but if you wanna make the phone conversation really long, move on to Step 3*/
Step 3: If they haven't let you go yet, wait for a short while, and suddenly sniff and say : I smell something
Step 4: If they ask you what's going on, just tell them you think you're finally passing gas.
Step 5: Suddenly shout : "OMG I'VE SOILED MY PANTS!" and hang up.
The Know-it-all
Step 1: Calmly go through the usual procedures
Step 2: When they get to the part where they inform you that the phone call is recorded, ask them : "Are you also picking up your background? It's awful noisy on your end."
Step 3: They'll try to fix their phone, so you tell them : "Is that your supervisor back there? Tell them I said hi, and to be nicer to you."
Step 4: If they seemed stunned for even a split second, hang up.
The Foreigner
Step 1: Practice saying "What?" and "I don't understand!" in English with an accent and with as many grammatical errors as you can think of.
Step 2: As they talk to you, use ONE particular accent and keep repeating the above phrases
The Colonial
This works best if someone is calling about technical support you didn't ask for, or if the operator on the line doesn't answer (it's a habit of theirs these days, to not answer for the first half a minute)
Step 1: Appear to negotiate whatever it is that they're trying to sell
Step 2: Partway through, talk in a really croaky voice and tell them: "I'm not interested in what you're trying to sell, Cylon (pronounced "sigh-lawn") and you'd best hang up before I send my Vipers out to blast a hole in that ship you call a base star"
Of course..be creative with this, because it is a Battlestar Galactica reference.
Case in point : I once had a guy call me telling he was calling from "windows" regarding an issue with my computer. My reply was : "My home computer runs Linux, how'd you get this number". That stunned him, and that's when I launched into The Colonial. True story.
I think you understand the gist of the short ones, so let's move on with the tough and excruciating ones.
The Depressed One
Everyone has bad days, and faking one as if you're drunk off your rocker is a nice touch to totally mess with the telemarketer.
Step 1: Prepare a list of things that makes a day horrible. Have you got one? Good!
Step 2: When they ask how you're doing, tell them that you had a bad day.
Step 3: You can wait for them to ask if everything's alright, or you can go straight into asking : "did you want to hear about it?"
Step 4: Don't wait for them to answer and go through the list of bad things that can happen to you.
Step 5: Add a sob here or there and add a catch to your throat if you want. The key is to keep talking and not let them get a word in.
Step 6: Open a soda pop can if you want, and pretend to drink it every now and then while ranting.
Step 7: End with an attempt at popping pills to commit suicide or a determined : "I'm gonna go get that person for what they did to me" and quickly hang up.
The Babbler
Step 1: Wait until they need your input. They can be asking for information, or whether or not you're interested
Step 2: Tell them that you're 100% uncomfortable with what they're doing. Do not attack their job, but continually attack the fact that their job is invading your personal space, that you don't feel comfortable, and that you want them to leave you alone.
Step 3: At this point, you can move on to The Depressed One or you can continue to berate them with feigned intellectuality by using larger words or more complex sentences that essentially says how much you don't agree with talking about your personal life over the phone. Include the fact that they could have just sent an SQL query to register you into something you don't want to be a part of.
Step 4: Quickly tell them you're not interested, you're uncomfortable and if you're really scared, threaten to call the cops and hang up.
Now all of these tips and tricks are meant to make a fun task out of the menially telling the telemarketer to bugger off and leave you alone. I know of people who just hang up. Another good idea is to just always pretend to never be at home, that you're the housemaid or something. I do not condone attacking telemarketers, as done in 40-Year-Old Virgin (spoiler alert), where Catherine Keener told Steve Carrell (who was faking as a telemarketer) that he should get a real job and moves on by saying a lot of unfriendly things to him. I think that they're just doing their job, and we should respect them, and only disrespect their employers by wasting their time.
For all I know, you can reverse The Babbler and only ask the telemarketer how they're doing, what they thought of the weather, etc..etc, as if you guys are at a cigar bar talking about the day.
With that, I'm going to sign off. Have a great new year, and have fun;).
To start, telemarketers. Has anyone ever had the feeling that there is no end to these people? If memory serves me right, I was supposed to be on that "do not call list" that was so big a few years back. The fact that I'm still getting phone calls confuses me, and since putting yourself on the "do not call list" isn't changing things, I'll resort to other means of ending these meaningless and rather annoying phone calls from telemarketers. To start, I'll go with tricks that allow for easy ways to end these phone conversations, or if you would rather take the long route, I have ideas that can help make it excruciatingly painful to sit through a phone conversation with you.
Let's start with the quick and easy.
The Accident
Step 1: Answer the first few questions as quickly as possible
Step 2: Randomly hang up
The Disaster
Step 1: To perform The Disaster, here's what you need : calmness in your voice
Step 2: Answer positively to whoever is on the other side of the phone for the first few tolerable questions
Step 3: When you've had enough, quickly shout either of the following phrases in a huge panic before quickly hanging up
- OH NO! MY DOG HAS RAN OUTSIDE!
- OH NO! MY STOVE/OVEN IS ON FIRE!
- OH NO! MY [someone close enough to you that requires your attention] JUST FELL [optional : in the shower]!
- OH NO! MY WIFE'S GONE INTO LABOUR!
Step 1: Answer the phone casually as if you don't care what happens.
Step 2: When asked how you're doing today, tell them that you've got diarrhea and haven't had a proper bowel movement in the last week, and that you'd really like to be on the toilet seat right now rather than go through the conversation of what they're trying to sell.
/**The hang up should happen now for quick and easy, but if you wanna make the phone conversation really long, move on to Step 3*/
Step 3: If they haven't let you go yet, wait for a short while, and suddenly sniff and say : I smell something
Step 4: If they ask you what's going on, just tell them you think you're finally passing gas.
Step 5: Suddenly shout : "OMG I'VE SOILED MY PANTS!" and hang up.
The Know-it-all
Step 1: Calmly go through the usual procedures
Step 2: When they get to the part where they inform you that the phone call is recorded, ask them : "Are you also picking up your background? It's awful noisy on your end."
Step 3: They'll try to fix their phone, so you tell them : "Is that your supervisor back there? Tell them I said hi, and to be nicer to you."
Step 4: If they seemed stunned for even a split second, hang up.
The Foreigner
Step 1: Practice saying "What?" and "I don't understand!" in English with an accent and with as many grammatical errors as you can think of.
Step 2: As they talk to you, use ONE particular accent and keep repeating the above phrases
The Colonial
This works best if someone is calling about technical support you didn't ask for, or if the operator on the line doesn't answer (it's a habit of theirs these days, to not answer for the first half a minute)
Step 1: Appear to negotiate whatever it is that they're trying to sell
Step 2: Partway through, talk in a really croaky voice and tell them: "I'm not interested in what you're trying to sell, Cylon (pronounced "sigh-lawn") and you'd best hang up before I send my Vipers out to blast a hole in that ship you call a base star"
Of course..be creative with this, because it is a Battlestar Galactica reference.
Case in point : I once had a guy call me telling he was calling from "windows" regarding an issue with my computer. My reply was : "My home computer runs Linux, how'd you get this number". That stunned him, and that's when I launched into The Colonial. True story.
I think you understand the gist of the short ones, so let's move on with the tough and excruciating ones.
The Depressed One
Everyone has bad days, and faking one as if you're drunk off your rocker is a nice touch to totally mess with the telemarketer.
Step 1: Prepare a list of things that makes a day horrible. Have you got one? Good!
Step 2: When they ask how you're doing, tell them that you had a bad day.
Step 3: You can wait for them to ask if everything's alright, or you can go straight into asking : "did you want to hear about it?"
Step 4: Don't wait for them to answer and go through the list of bad things that can happen to you.
Step 5: Add a sob here or there and add a catch to your throat if you want. The key is to keep talking and not let them get a word in.
Step 6: Open a soda pop can if you want, and pretend to drink it every now and then while ranting.
Step 7: End with an attempt at popping pills to commit suicide or a determined : "I'm gonna go get that person for what they did to me" and quickly hang up.
The Babbler
Step 1: Wait until they need your input. They can be asking for information, or whether or not you're interested
Step 2: Tell them that you're 100% uncomfortable with what they're doing. Do not attack their job, but continually attack the fact that their job is invading your personal space, that you don't feel comfortable, and that you want them to leave you alone.
Step 3: At this point, you can move on to The Depressed One or you can continue to berate them with feigned intellectuality by using larger words or more complex sentences that essentially says how much you don't agree with talking about your personal life over the phone. Include the fact that they could have just sent an SQL query to register you into something you don't want to be a part of.
Step 4: Quickly tell them you're not interested, you're uncomfortable and if you're really scared, threaten to call the cops and hang up.
Now all of these tips and tricks are meant to make a fun task out of the menially telling the telemarketer to bugger off and leave you alone. I know of people who just hang up. Another good idea is to just always pretend to never be at home, that you're the housemaid or something. I do not condone attacking telemarketers, as done in 40-Year-Old Virgin (spoiler alert), where Catherine Keener told Steve Carrell (who was faking as a telemarketer) that he should get a real job and moves on by saying a lot of unfriendly things to him. I think that they're just doing their job, and we should respect them, and only disrespect their employers by wasting their time.
For all I know, you can reverse The Babbler and only ask the telemarketer how they're doing, what they thought of the weather, etc..etc, as if you guys are at a cigar bar talking about the day.
With that, I'm going to sign off. Have a great new year, and have fun;).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)